Quotes of the Year 2012: Part deux

Facebook status

Defo taking the scenic route on this weight loss journey.  Danielle A.

Tweets

Nowadays people go on holiday to places where years ago you could only go if you were shipwrecked. Tony Blackburn

Two year 10 lads from Bluecoat school on Twitter.
1st lad: I might go to Sayers instead of Gregg’s tomorrow.
2nd lad: If you dare go near f***ing Sayers, you’re off the dance crew.

Stuff off the telly

I’d shake your hand, but it’s taped to my ass. Seventeen Again.

A conversation on Never Mind The Buzzcocks about shit jobs:
Mel B: I used to work in Pizza Hut.  I liked it, making pizzas…
Noel Fielding: Was that before or after The Spice Girls?

Hollyisms

Imagine if your bumhole was in your hand and you were holding hands with someone and you farted.

Convos

Alex: You know when you fry an egg and the white bit is separate from the yellow bit, but they both get cooked?
Jay: That’s a fried egg.

Jo: Do you want a pint?
Uncle Ted: Does death come after life?

Jay: Don’t you know what a poached egg is?
Alex: I’m fuzzy on the whole concept of eggs.

Alex doesn’t do inches.
Jay: Alex, what shirt size are you?
Alex: Medium.

Jay: Your face was funny before when your phone went off.
Alex: Well I wasn’t expectiing a text message today.

Kaz orders a meal in a fancy French bistro:
I’ll have the pâté to start and the cod for mains. Merci bo qua-ha-ha.

Jo: I’m going to be like Cherie Blair if I ever get round to having kids.

Chris: Do you know how long it takes to work off a pork pie?
Jay: About a minute?

Chris: I’ll have to go home and have a lie down in a dark room.
Jay: That’s what they all say.

Stuff that happened in work

Message of the Day giving employees the opportunity to ask the Chief Executive anything.
Alex: I’m going to ask him a maths question.

Lezzer explains why there is so much crap in her keyboard: I have a lot of fibrous, healthy stuff.

Jay ponders life’s great mysteries

Are they noisy, them electric blankets?

I grew an inch in Zante.

Why is it Eddie Murphy season? Is he skint or off his head or something?

In ‘Emmerdale’ they never get tired of The Woolpack, do they?

Guess what I ate in Egypt for the first time? A cheese sandwich!

You know what they should have on Groupon? Like, a funeral.

I love it when Lezzer says rough stuff in her posh Crosby voice.  “Hashish?”

I ruined my lounge pants on my bike, didn’t I?

It smells like EasyJet wine.

Discussing the best way to measure weight loss: You should do it in Kit Kats. Or like, a Freddo’s 100 calories.

The quote that keeps on giving….

It came about as a result of a heated debate with Alex claiming that you can buy everything you need in life from Amazon.  As the conversation took to Facebook, Stuart S came up with a quote that has been hauled out endlessly since.

“So, he’s clearly a twat then.”

Quotes of the Year: Part 4

Part 4 of some things that I found amusing this year

Convos

Jay: I’d love to be on the dole in this weather.

Lezzer:  I’ve got a letter to go for one of those over 40s health checks.
Jay:  Are you going for a genital test?

Lezzer discusses office cleaners:  They all look the same to me.

Hol’s first day back at school: How small are year 7s?  I almost trod on one.

Dolly: Steve once took a special needs group to see The Matrix.

Jay to Alex: Just cos you have smiley faces and turkey aeroplanes when you get home.

I often forget what I was planning to say: Hol are you going to eat these shoes or what?

Alex: We’re the last sane generation.

Dolly to Alex: I’ve got no knowledge of computers and you’ve got no common sense.

Lezzer: My friend did Greg a few years ago at Bankfield.

Lezzer: You need some of that – what do you call it – slippy slappy?

Karen: Isn’t it funny how you look at funerals now?  I’m starting to grade them…judging the quality of the coffin, the food…

Jay: Monks are always attracted to me.

Alex: Is that the one whose face got ate off by a monkey?

Alex: The Irish age faster.

Jay: Is that someone’s real name – Ed Balls?  What a knob.

“You’re next!”

A guy I know who’s been single for many years following his second divorce has recently fallen in love.  He’s like a giddy teenager and has started telling people they may need to buy a big hat.  It’s lovely to see.  It really is.

It’s also been very unfortunate for me.  This is because it’s prompted people to start looking at me with a knowing look  and saying, “Oooh, you’re next!” as if there’s a conveyor belt of older, single people that I’m on and I’m next to be processed.