I hate everything about you

No, not you!  Obviously not you. Just most people.  Seriously.  Can not bear them.

You’d never guess if you met me.  I did a quick and very unscientific survey among my friends on Facebook and the general consensus is that when they first meet me, people tend to see me as fun, confident and the ever-awful “bubbly.”  (There were a couple of references to body parts, but I’ll leave well alone.)

What you would never suspect is that I secretly can’t stand most people. Take Facebook for instance.

My best friend is so promiscuous on Facebook that she has me worried.  She is totally lacking in discernment when it comes to adding people as ‘friends’ on Facebook.  She will ‘friend’ a person on the flimsiest of acquaintances and once you’re her friend on Facebook, she will never delete you no matter what you do.  In her defence, she’s really nosy and she likes to know the minutiae of the lives of everyone around her.

Me, on the other hand, I am completely ruthless and I’ve probably ‘unfriended’ more people than I’m currently friends with.  A quick check of my account settings shows that I’ve blocked around one person for every three active friends I have. This list includes people I’m actually related to.

I’ve unfriended people for many and often flimsy reasons such as putting up endless status updates about what they’re having for tea, for over-sharing baby related crap (sometimes literally), for bigging up Roaul Moat, for being the wife of someone who bigged up Raoul Moat and, notably, I once unfriended a former colleague after putting up with two years of status updates about cooking roast dinners then wondering why some fella hadn’t snapped her up to be his wife.  I’ve even certainly ditched people for poor use of punctuation.

Now let me tell you, I’ve been unfriended by more than a few people myself, so obviously in some quarters I’m a really annoying, pain in the ass Facebooker myself. I tend to write down any old drivel that floats through my head, which obviously drives people mad.

I litter my Facebook wall with statuses about shows I can’t stand to the point where I had to impose a ban on myself during last year’s X Factor.  I bang on about nerdy stuff I like, like Doctor Who, which most people I know are either not remotely interested in or take an active dislike of.

It’s not all bad news…

The people I do like, I really like.  Love even.  I don’t make friends easily on account of being a pretty rubbish judge of character.  My first impressions of new people are invariably wrong.  Someone I initially thought was bags of fun turned out to be a difficult, needy, self-absorbed nightmare, while another person I thought was a rough-arsed gob-on-a-stick turned out to be a genuinely warm, caring and extremely funny friend for life.

I’ve never made friends easily.  The ones I do have have tended to creep up on me over lengthy periods of time until one day they go from a person I knew from work to a dear and cherished person who means so much to me that my life would be very sad without them.

Everyone else, though…ugh.  They annoy me in shops, on the street, definitely on the bus and even on holiday.  I remember the first holiday I went on with just my children.  I disturbed everyone around me 1) for being a single parent and 2) for not wanting to be rescued from the horror of being alone by Jeanette and Dougie from Manchester, or whoever they were.  I was happy to be on nodding terms with the people around me at the pool, but let’s leave it at that, eh?  I certainly didn’t want to go to cabaret night with them to see the 765th incarnation of The Drifters at Majorca’s top nite spot.  Nor did I have the slightest desire to swap numbers and meet up at their nephew Kenneth’s wedding in Stalybridge when we got back home.

Now excuse me while I shut the curtains and hide behind the couch.  There’s a woman I unfriended on Facebook walking past the my house.

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