Quotes of the Year 2012 – Part 1

Favourite tweets

Fact. The Drifters are the The Fall for black people. Sooner or later you get called up.

There is a 0.2% chance that you have been a member of The Drifters.

I’m still trying to find out what the first rule of Fight Club is.

Get your ‘Guy Ritchie Character Name’ by touching something close to you with a body part, and using those two things as your middle name.

Mark Gatiss watching Craig on The X Factor: Who was that fat lass singing Paparazzi?

Off the telly

He sings like his mum’s told him to turn off his X-Box.  (Robbie Williams on X Factor)

Gok Wan cheers up some poor woman:  You’re dressing like a depressed Cure fan.

Brock, age 7, beauty pageant prince (Toddlers & Tiaras): I think I’m a cute little Dorothy.

Brock is crowned pageant prince on Toddlers & Tiaras

Keith Lemon on Comic Relief: “Do you know some people in Africa walk up to 8 miles a day just to get away from Lenny Henry”


Mel knows how to make you feel good:  I don’t know, I could end up on the shelf like you. Like that toy in Toy Story 2.  Wheezy.

Me, my dad and my brother discuss Nando’s
Dad: What does ‘Nando’s’ mean?
Me: It’s Mexican for ‘chicken’.
My brother: Really?
Me: You do know there’s no such language as Mexican?
My brother: Oh, yeah.

Mel discusses being newly single:  You know what I don’t miss. Crusty toothpaste with beard droppings in it.

Discussing the use of new technology by a sexual health clinic.
Me: They test you for chlamydia and gonorrhoea and send you the results in a text message.
Mel: Bloody hell. “Got an STI?  We’ve got an app for that.”

Hol: Isn’t it funny how one is always more attractive when there’s twins?
Me: What about Jedward?
Hol: Yeah, John’s better looking.  Or it might be Edward.  One of ’em anyway.”

Hol (way past bedtime): Who was the Elephant Man? Was he part elephant?
Me: No, he had a growth disorder so they called him the Elephant Man and put him in the circus.
Hol: Heavy.

Mel describes the situation of having no straighteners:  I’m straightless.

Me singing along to Duran Duran: I know you’re watching me ev-er-y minute of the day-yay..”
Hol: Paedophile.

More stuff off the telly

Why do they name all French kings after Superbowls?  It’s all very confusing. (Craig Ferguson)

“He must be a alien or sutin.” The brilliant Adam Buxton hosts what is possibly the best episode of Never Mind The Buzzcocks ever.

From Facebook

In a discussion about Don’t Tell The Bride
Clare C:  If I let Liam sort our wedding I’d end up in an Everton kit.

Maddy: Lourdes Gerrard? Yeah, it’s a miracle.  It seems it’s actually Stevens baby!

Anyone who says having a child was the best moment of their life obviously never had two Kit-Kats fall out of a vending machine at once.

The madness of Holly continues

You’re just a teeny weeny.  Sausages call you momma.

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