National Adoption Week: The story of how I was adopted

The story of the room with the cots…

When my brother and I were little, my mum used to tell me this story….”When Aunty Eileen had John, and Aunty Olive had Adele, they went into hospital.  But I couldn’t go into hospital to have a baby so I went to this place instead.  It was a place with a great big room that was filled with cots, and in each cot was a baby.  When I looked into one cot and saw a little baby girl with brown eyes I said “That baby’s got brown eyes just like mine” and I brought you home.  Then when I went back they had a little baby boy with red hair and I thought “That baby’s got red hair like my sister’s baby boy” and I brought Michael home.” Continue reading

Advertisements

One Direction to Wembley (and back again)

Life’s not easy when you’re Mrs Harry Styles’s mother

You know when you’re pregnant with your first child?  Once the joy of finding out there’s a new life growing inside you, the horrible realisation dawns that you need to go through childbirth in order to meet him or her?  Well, last weekend I went to Wembley and back in a day and it felt kind of like that. The happiness at getting there followed by the horror of realising you have to get back afterwards.

So what was I doing going on a 440 mile round trip to Wembley?  Well, I went to Wembley and discovered the nightmare of the North Circular Road, the end-of-the-world style traffic heading for Brent Cross shopping centre, and to learn that a trip to IKEA can be akin to a trip to hell when said store has its own 5,000 place multi-storey car park, before giving in and going to sit in the car park of a local retail park for 5 hours. Continue reading

Movioke

Move over karaoke, your time is up.  It’s time for something new.  Something better. Time for Movioke.

I always wanted to bring movioke to the UK.  Movieoke is like karaoke, only instead of singing, you speak lines along to movies. It already exists in the USA, where people gather together to re-live old movies. These are usually the kind of cult movies that only the most hardcore film nerd will have a collection of.  Think Kim Newman’s video dungeon, Planet of Blood and other B movie guff that 99.9% of the human population lives in ignorance of. I was reminded of Movieoke a couple of weeks ago while I was on Twitter and Aliens was showing on Channel 4.  Aliens is classic Movieoke fare.  It has so many excellent and memorable one-liners that the Movieoke fan is spoiled for choice.

Phew whiff!

The world of men’s fragrance

I lived in Wales for a while and I will forever associate the place with the smell of Lynx Africa.  In my whole life, I have only ever smelled one thing worse than Lynx Africa and that was when I accidentally poured a jug of urine (long story) into an iron and hit the ‘steam’ button with a vengeance.

But back to Lynx Africa.  If I was the President of the Lynx Corporation, or whatever they’re really called, I would make the person who did my advertising a massive crown, cover it in precious jewels and place it on their head and sit them on a golden throne for so cannily selling such huge quantities of canned awfulness. Continue reading

Quotes of the Year: Part 4

Part 4 of some things that I found amusing this year

Convos

Jay: I’d love to be on the dole in this weather.

Lezzer:  I’ve got a letter to go for one of those over 40s health checks.
Jay:  Are you going for a genital test?

Lezzer discusses office cleaners:  They all look the same to me.

Hol’s first day back at school: How small are year 7s?  I almost trod on one.

Dolly: Steve once took a special needs group to see The Matrix.

Jay to Alex: Just cos you have smiley faces and turkey aeroplanes when you get home.

I often forget what I was planning to say: Hol are you going to eat these shoes or what?

Alex: We’re the last sane generation.

Dolly to Alex: I’ve got no knowledge of computers and you’ve got no common sense.

Lezzer: My friend did Greg a few years ago at Bankfield.

Lezzer: You need some of that – what do you call it – slippy slappy?

Karen: Isn’t it funny how you look at funerals now?  I’m starting to grade them…judging the quality of the coffin, the food…

Jay: Monks are always attracted to me.

Alex: Is that the one whose face got ate off by a monkey?

Alex: The Irish age faster.

Jay: Is that someone’s real name – Ed Balls?  What a knob. Continue reading

Carry on dating

When I was a young and wide-eyed girl thinking about my future, I may have day dreamed about dating River Phoenix or marrying The Edge and raising a brood of musical offspring, but in no version of my planned future was I a forty-something single mother facing the daunting prospect of dating in 2011.

Things have changed beyond recognition since the 90s when I was last dating.  Back then I was pretty impressive.  I had a teeny waistline and I was a dancer.  I had fellas queuing to ask me out.  And I was cocky with it.

I remember being in a night club with a pal when a guy came over and asked  if he could take me out. I waved him off with a beautifully tanned arm and told him if he really liked me, he’d find out my name and number and call me. Two weeks later I was in work and the phone rang.  “Hi, Andrea, it’s Vinny.” Vinny?  Who the heck was Vinny? “Vinny from the Buzz,” he said.  I was pretty impressed so I dated him for a while until John came along in a swanky Audi flashing a pair of Del Amitri concert tickets. Continue reading

I love you, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do

Seventh time lucky!

I’ve just had one of those over-the-garden-fence conversations with my next door neighbour that brought to mind something that famous clever clogs Samuel Johnson once said

“Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience”

I can testify to the truth of this, having been someone’s second wife in a marriage that was ultimately doomed.

But, having been a second wife, I can understand the feeling of optimism that this time it’s all going to be alright as you swan down the aisle to make your vows that this one will last forever and ever. Amen. Continue reading