The world of men’s fragrance
I lived in Wales for a while and I will forever associate the place with the smell of Lynx Africa. In my whole life, I have only ever smelled one thing worse than Lynx Africa and that was when I accidentally poured a jug of urine (long story) into an iron and hit the ‘steam’ button with a vengeance.
But back to Lynx Africa. If I was the President of the Lynx Corporation, or whatever they’re really called, I would make the person who did my advertising a massive crown, cover it in precious jewels and place it on their head and sit them on a golden throne for so cannily selling such huge quantities of canned awfulness.
Every shitty pub I ever went in smelled of Lynx Africa. Every idiot I ever encountered in the street wearing a black shellsuit and hauling an ugly dog smelled of it. I imagine the aftercare room on the Jeremy Kyle show has a permanent whiff of Lynx Africa about it.
The only good thing I can say about Lynx Africa is that it gives women a chance to identify men to steer clear of from at least 50 paces.
The men who slather themselves in Lynx Africa products would be better off using a block of carbolic soap and leaving the rest to mother nature, as it would be preferable to about 99% of the female population of the world.
You’d think in this age of metrosexual men that every bloke you meet would essentially smell amazing and yet they don’t. I know of quite a few men who still leave it to women to buy them their smellies. A man of my personal acquaintance is a great example of this. He is an unreconstructed, cave man type of bloke who, when he first lived with his partner, was using Fairy Liquid to bathe and shower in until she put him right.
There are few things sexier than a great smelling guy, although the ability to do stuff round the house does up the sexiness factor. I am a sucker for a guy who smells wonderful courtesy of Chanel, Dior or Abercrombie & Fitch to the point where I act completely inappropriately.
Quite recently I was out with a gay friend who was wearing a lovely A&F fragrance and I almost spent the whole evening with my face in his neck. I once dated a guy for a month and the last three weeks was only because he smelled so good.
Now don’t get me wrong; a man has to do more than just smell great. To paraphrase Eddie Murphy, I ain’t going out with no good-smelling, nasty guy and shit. But believe me, smelling wonderful does go a long way. So fellas, lay off anything with a ship on the bottle, anything that has the work “musk” on the bottle, definitely anything that costs less than a fiver, and anything that smells like you could clean your house with it and go for something to make women swoon. Because you’re worth it. And so are we.