Some more of my favourite things I’ve heard this year…..
Off the telly
Woman being interviewed on ITV about the Royal Wedding
Interviewer: And what did you think of Kate?
Woman: Aw, she’s the most beautiful woman on the planet. Up there with Cheryl Cole.
Haz watching The Ten Commandments: It’s God. In tree form.
I can’t believe there’s an 11-year-old called Alan.
Hol: How long is this film?
Me: 4 hours. Can you imagine if you were watching this at the pictures.
Haz: You’d need to have a pee.
Hol: Or maybe even a shit.
On the telly: RIP Pavarotti. Gone but never forgotten.
Holly: Who’s Pavarotti?
Haz: Mum, I’ve found a small red ball that looks like a tomato.
Me: That is a tomato.
Chris: Who’s Andrew Marr? Is he the one that does The Andrew Marr Show?
As Royal Wedding fever grips the nation…
BBC newsreader: You can follow us online at bbc.co.uk/royalwedding
My dad: I’ll make a note of that.
Holly: This is an educanational song.
Haz: Imagine if I took my kecks down and said, “Mmm, my buns are nice and toasty”
Jay discusses the benefits of me dating a 53-year-old bloke who makes £3,000 a month: He’s loaded and he’s nearly dead.
Jay on Michael Jackson: He never left his house for how long then he was found dead in the street, wasn’t he?
What’s a grammar Nazi? It sounds Italian.
Can you get pregnant while you’re pregnant?
Les: I loved ‘I Dream of Genie’
Me: That was JR
Les: My sinuses are really bad today. They’re causing the arthritis pain in my feet.
Jay: Is Pizza Express a real thing?
Les: You can get chamois leather underpants, apparently.
Jay: You know when you lose weight – where does it go?
Bloke in the London Embassy to Jay: You don’t have that two second thinking gap, do you?
Jay, I like you on Tiger Beer. You’re slightly funnier than usual.
Alex: You can die playing squash.
Hol: Where’s Llandudno?
Me: It’s in Wales.
Hol: I thought it was a theme park.
Jay: It takes me two days to pack. And I’m straight.
What if you had a condition and, like, your legs were allergic to the floor?
I thought Beverley Hills was a woman.
I’m standing here crackin more jokes than Paddy McGuinness.
(To me) You think you’re Lulu.
I wish I naturally smelled like Chanel.
Ten ‘likes’ on my status. Smashed it!
Smell my elbows.
Meg was on the phone to her mum and I shouted “Pass the weed”
Facebook status updates
What is the point of wasps or Lib Dems come to it. Dave S.
I’d love it if Amanda said “Do you have a second song” and the act said “Nope.” Holly
I didn’t fall. I attacked the floor …it was giving me funny looks. Joe B.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk past again? Paul R.
Tesco has opened on Park Road….the Dingle is the new Las Vegas. Jayne Mc.
This is the first time I’ve ever watched Waterloo Road and I’ve already saw George Sampson and some girl called Evie has drowned her cousin and went after someone called ‘Fin Sharky’ but now she’s leaving and the deputy head looks like he could work in the Off Licence by mine. Holly
Why are there pockets in baby clothes? They don’t own anything! Michael Mc
They own you and don’t forget it! Sharon W
(On Royal Wedding day) I have had this tiara on my head since 10:00 – well apart from when I nipped to costcutter for more ale. Nikki S
Stuart is on a roll…
Stuart S’s wife is taking him to look at a photo of Toulouse-Lautrec having a shit on a beach tomorrow… happy days, then.
Stuart S will be meeting his son’s girlfriend today… would embarrassing him just be the natural order of things? Apparently she’s quite small… I might refer to her as “the little chap”. “Would the little chap like a drink?”
We have honey bees, robins, bluetits and freakishly productive strawberries… I’m like fucking Snow White, me…
If there is a god… I believe he has a quiff.
A Facebook convo about how we styled our hair in the 80s, specifically my red-haired brother
Me: I remember trying to dye his hair with a bottle of food colouring one day and it wouldn’t change colour. When I asked him what colour it was he said “Vanilla essence”
Sharon: I remember him tellin me that story and I nearly pissed my pants laughing. What a dick!
Me: I hope you’re reading this, Michael.
Sharon: He can’t not tonight he’s dyeing his, sorry, fragrancing his hair.
You can find out a bit more about QOTY on my QOTY page