What day is it? Wednesday? Really? That means I’m on Day 3 of enforced idleness and I’ve already cracked Cameron/Orborne’s vile plot to get people off benefits and back into work.
Daytime telly. That’s right. They fill it with enough shite to make you go screaming down the job centre begging for work. If the sheer volume of awfulness fails to make you find stacking shelves in the nearest Happy Shopper an appealing alternative, then you are more than welcome to a life on benefits and all of the accompanying televisual dreadfulness that goes with it.
To give you an idea, here’s what I’ve endured this week in the name of research: –
Daytime Crimewatch Like proper Crimewatch only with the country’s most rubbish crimes.
Now obviously, the BBC can’t go round showing graphic depictions of rape, murder and arson just after Sian and Bill have left the Breakfast sofa; but a bloke nicking a pair of curtains from Wilkies? A drunk girl who lost her handbag on a night out? Scotland yard must be shitting themselves with this dangerous shower on the loose. Even Rav ‘I haven’t crossed my legs for years’ Wilding giving his most earnest “If you know the whereabouts of these scumbags, let us know” down the camera couldn’t make this exciting.
The Jeremy Kyle Show Now I’ve got to admit I’d actually planned for this one. I even had my Jeremy Kyle bingo card ready with catchphrases like “That’s not what you told my researchers” and the ever useful “Put something on the end of it” waiting to be crossed off.
Nothing, however, could have prepared me for the tale of the woman whose husband accused her of having another man’s, erm…emission in her hair. The wife’s response? It wasn’t semen, it was snot. Oh, well that’s alright then.
But sadly, the Jeremy Kyle ‘stuff’ in her hair woman wasn’t the worst thing I’ve seen this week. Oh no. For that we have to look at Exhibit A – presented by that pillar of respectability, Philip Schofield (and some Scottish girl whose name escapes me) and the descent into awfulness that is…
This Morning As if the competitions aren’t enough to make you want to poke your own eyeball out with a pencil – Which of these accessories can be bifocal or varifocal? Is it A) Earrings B) Glasses or C) A dead dog. Call 09990 112 1213. (Calls cost £24 for the first 2 minutes and £56 for every subsequent minute. Calls from mobiles cost considerably more. Please ask the billpayer’s permission) – the actual items they cover are akin to one of the seven circles of Hell. I imagine.
Lawrence Lwellyn-Bowen putting up garden trellis in some poor sap’s couple’s living room to the horror of the mother-in-law was a bit of light relief before the big highlight of the show. This was so big that Schofe was tweeting the coming attraction furiously while they showed an interview with that woman who was on Big Brother once.
The horror! The horror! So what was this article? Well it featured a woman who had experienced a hideous condition involving her armpits and pus filled boils. I understand that later in the interview the words ‘groin’ and ‘exploding’ were mentioned, but by this time I was feeling nauseous and had to turn to the sanity of Judge Judy’s courtroom.
Tomorrow, I’m going to a nice park to read a book.