Best dialogue from the telly
“I really want to have sex with you.” “Thanks very much. Very kind of you.” (Zen)
“How can you get caught between the moon and New York city? They’re like 100 miles apart” (Finn Hudson)
“Oh yeah, I’m fucking full of whimsey” Matt Le Blanc (Episodes)
It’s as unpredictable as Russell Howard’s left eye.
Paul McCartney: I was in the biggest rock’n’roll band the world has ever seen.
Smithy: Bit disrespectful – in front of JLS.
Abbey Clancy on Great British Hairdresser: ” I do feel for her today because her nerves are getting to her. Maybe she’s really feeling it. Or may be she’s just shit.”
“Just type into google ‘difference between Christians and Catholics'” Best man preparing for some girl’s dream wedding on Don’t Tell The Bride
Your face tastes awesome. ( Rachel Berry)
I watched the whole Brokeback Mountain thing and from what I gather, something happened in the tent. (Burt Hummell)
Kid on Britain’s Got Talent: What if the Hokey Cokey IS what it’s all about?
I could live on gravy only I’d end up like Britney Spears.
I’m never getting a tattoo. Apart from the one on my face.
In my old house there was a slit in the wall paper and I used to talk to it.
Whoever put the ‘s’ in” lisp” is an evil genius.
I’ve decided to be Swedish.
Advert: “Here at Head & Shoulders we’ve been carrying out scalp research for over 50 years.” Hol “Eeeeeeeee!”
Haz: What does scold mean?
Hol: It’s when you burn yourself.
The gypsy life looks fabulous.
I didn’t know prawn crackers are made out of prawns. I thought they were like fishcakes.
Is Adele really a name?
Watching an episode of Friends with the monkey in: Is this the one where Marcel runs away to be an actor?
This man punched Selena Gomez in the face. It’s not funny. She’s grown a third lip.
If you say “beer can” in a really posh voice, it sounds like a Jamaican saying “bacon.”
Do you ever look at someone and think ‘Boy or girl’?
On Michael Buble “His voice can heal people.”
My brace tastes of dog.
To Harry: Oi, Noel Gallagher.
Don’t you love it when someone’s name sounds like a short story. Like John Went. Where did he go? I don’t know!
You know Mr Jones? From DT. Well I think he’s part Wotsit.
I’d love to find someone with the same fingerprint as me and say, “Ha ha! Take that society!”
You know when your chips really taste of potato?
I’m sorry Jamie Oliver but how can you ‘spank’ a piece of meat?
About Harry: Have you seen him? He looks like a luminous turd.
Haz ain’t too far behind….
Watching a performance of Hairspray “Is that Forrest Gump? I thought it was the Forrest Gump dance.”
Declan is also a superstar….
Les: Guess what game me and Keith played last night?
Me: Hide the sausage?
Les & Keith are in bed discussing whether to get a 42″ tv for the bedroom
Les: It’s just too big. It’s too big!
Keith: Could you open the window and say that again.
Brian to Julie at a party: If you don’t talk with your mouth full you wouldn’t have spoken a word all day.
Jay: I didn’t know steak was beef til youse lot told me.
Me: I’ve made a tit of myself. Jay: Again?
Lezzer: Remember the prostitute who was found dead on the M62? That’s the third murder associated with me and shops.
Jay: Colonel Gaddafi is an Evertonian.
In a wine bar. Vicki: A medium white wine and soda, please.
Barman: We only do one size.
Jay: What’s a booze bag?
Andrea: I’m not sure – what’s the context?
Jay: “Booze bag. 50 Euros.”
Me: Aw, Haz I love you, you’re ace.
Holly: Shame no-one says ‘ace’ anymore.
Holly listening to a song with these lyrics…”Show me yours, I’ll show you mine…….If you wanna **** me, I won’t say no, touching on my ****”
Me: What’s this song about?
Hol: (Looks sheepish)Dunno. It’s got a good beat.
Grandad: “When you start courting you better make sure the lad takes you to a fancy place”
Hol: “First of all, what’s courting?”
Me: How did you get on at the National Bocce Finals?
Joe: We came 4th.
Me: That’s brilliant.
Joe: Yeah, we just misssed out on 3rd place.
Jay: I’ve got to go to Walton Road.
Jay’s mate: Aw, they love their dog shit round there, don’t they?
Nic doing a referral for a homeless person.
Nic: Can’t you go home?
Homeless guy: No, I can’t. My parents are elderly and can’t look after me.
Nic: When were they born?
Homeless guy: 1955
Jay: That was a fraudulent slip.
Dan: I put 20p in a machine and all I got was a piece of fabric.
Dan: It’s got years of use left in it, that sponge.
Les: Apparently all Madeirans are ugly.
Jay: I’d love to be an air host. Like an air hostess, but the man one.
Jay: If you’re hungry I’ve got a sausage baguette.
Jayne: Where is it?
Jay: In my pocket.
We gave popping candy to a dog once. It didn’t know what was going on.
Jay discusses Jersey Shore. “It’s the best programme I’ve ever seen on the telly. Apart from Only Fools & Horses.”
What’s that fancy word for towels?
My Blackberry’s a lot faster than Channel 4.
Welsh people love Wales, don’t they?
Are Brownie points real?
Trish in Greece: Why does everyone look like Glen Madeiros?
Les: I remember when blow drying was invented. In the 70s.
Jen: I love orienteering. It’s like the crystal Maze. But rural.
Jay discusses signed TV shows: Do you reckon they’re really deaf?
I met Big Bri. He’s only small.
Me: What’s a sea monkey?
Haz: It’s a thing you get in cereal and you watch it grow.
Mel: I don’t want to see people singing who’ve got talent on Britain’s Got Talent. I want to see a bunch of fucking losers.
My dad: Remember that husband of yours?
Top put downs
She wouldn’t part with her own shite.
Mel never exaggerrates…
I’m stuck in traffic on the motorway and all I can see is land and sheep and fucking antelopes.
Facebook status updates
How is one supposed to react to being stared out by a cock-eyed child? Stuart S (Teacher)
Just been to Zumba, couldn’t get the right moves so just danced like I normally would when pissed. Crackin exercise plan. Jayne Mc.
I’ve read so much about the bad effect chocolate and alcohol can have on your health that I’ve decided to give up reading. Bev R.
Holly takes after her mother: Annoying kid on the bus with a Ben 10 watch, if I hear “ultimate battle force field” one more time someone will get hurt.
Friends are like trees, they fall down when you hit them multiple times with an axe. Holly.
Iif the ancient chinese were so clever, why didnt they invent the fork? Sean S.
Jayne Mc’s priceless Big Fat Gypsy Weddings commentary
The Ma on BFGW has either got a bit of Gypsy in her or has once had a penis of her own.
Is there a gypsy dating site I can find a husband on?? www.wifebeatingvests.com maybe.
To be fair, me Nan’s graves a bit like that.
The Queen of Status updates: Nikki S. Pick your own favourite…
Is now properly Caffeinated..You may approach.
I tried to say no to the Gin…but it’s 40% stronger than me.
I joined a Gym today, they told me to wear loose fitting clothing… err if I had any I wouldn’t be joining a gym now would I?
When you’re drunk everything seems like a good idea.
I am giving FREE lessons in how to speak Irish..you’ll sound like a true Irishman…practise as often as possible…Lesson #1: Whale Oil Beef Hocked.
It’s not as if I don’t understand the concept of being a responsible adult, it’s just that I fail to see how it’s relevant to me.
The trouble with naked dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world … oh sorry … that’s wine … wine does that .
Did you ever notice twinkle twinkle little star and the alphabet have the same tune … i bet your singing it now !
Nikki S is trying to decide which personality she should use today? Or should she just set herself to random and see how much fun she has….approach with care!
The proper response to “Good morning” is “Prove it!”